Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Dear Mom

I am still not processing our last (physical) good bye last night. I now need to understand that our relationship will no longer be the same. I am stronger than ever in my faith knowing that you will always be watching over me for years to come. You will always be with me, just not in a way that I am comfortable with just yet. Will I ever be?

Yesterday, Becky presented me with a gift that you had hid for me in your closet. Words cannot express how I felt receiving something so precious that you had purchased with me in mind. My last gift from mom. Mom you always had a way of buying the most perfect gifts for me.

Before you left us we all held hands prayed for you while sharing our favorite memories and stories. I know that is just what you would have wanted. Do you remember the bracelets that you made for us, from your Wendy's happy meal? I put one on your wrist and kept one for myself before you left. I will never forget how honored I felt when you gave me those just a few weeks ago. Something so small all of the sudden holds so much meaning.

I have not cried once today. I feel as if you are still here, in your bed even though I now look at an empty room. Today, we spent the morning putting together the most beautiful photo board in your honor. Megan and I bonded as we looked through your photos growing up as a child, reading through your scrap books, finding your "young" drinking photos, seeing photos of our parents and our family as we grew up.

We met with Pastor Chris and it was hard. We talked funeral logistics and walked through the order of service. We went through your beautiful list of songs and verses. How does this seem possible? Weren't Dustin and I just here talking about our wedding ceremony? How can my brain process preparing for a funeral and a wedding?

Betty Ann came over today and we walked through your reception. I am so grateful for your wonderful and supportive friends. They have been here for the both of us over the years.

Dad and Thayer flew here to be with us all today. Megan and I found so much comfort having Dad with us. I found comfort having Thayer here, as she has mourned the loss of her mother now for years. Together we were happy knowing that our mothers met for the first time today, though we both so badly want you here with us.

Everything is still a blur. I felt composed today, sad and empty. I know the tough times are ahead. I fear for the future knowing that my life has revolved around being with you over the last 17 months.

I plan to use my blog as a way to write to you and convey how I really am feeling. It won't be easy, but I hope to find comfort in this blog one day. I already have read through all of my posts about our weekends together, life celebrations and your time in Hospice. They are so comforting. I so miss you.

I love you, more.

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